White Horses


Listening to: White Horses by Taylor Swift

Feeling: Down and confused

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Say you’re sorry
That face of an angel comes out
Just when you need it to
And I paced back and forth
All this time ’cause
I honestly believed in you
Holding on the days dragged on
Stupid girl I should have known, I should have known

My younger sister and I watched Taylor Swift and Colbie Caillat’s recording of “Breathe” on YouTube last night. Taylor Swift is absolutely one of the most talented young artists I have ever met. The nineteen-year-old (she had her birthday last Dec.13) pop country singer writes and sings her own songs that are all about love and boys – which she expresses in her music so naturally, songs about boys and love seem not so cliched anymore. She’s more famous than ever after the release of her second album, Fearless, which has been playing nonstop on my iPod. Composing beautiful lyrics and having an angelic voice makes Taylor Swift a really inspiring role model. She’s now right up there on my long list of role models.

That I’m not a princess, this ain’t a fairytale
I’m not the one you sweep off her feet
Lead her up the stairwell
This isn’t Hollywood, this is a small town
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it’s too late for you and your white horse to come around

Recording music seems so fun to do! Listening to beautiful music with really touching lyrics can already give me tingles all over, what more when you record the music yourself? Watching Taylor Swift record her songs makes me wish I had the talent to sing too, and to be able to express feelings through music. Music is her escape. I wonder what mine is. Writing? Maybe. Argh.

Music starts playin’
Like the end of a sad movie,
It’s the kinda ending
You don’t really wanna see.
Cause it’s tragedy
And it’ll only bring you down,
Now I don’t know what to be without you around.

I wonder if people also get confused with what they are feeling at times. Emotions are like wild horses. They keep changing, never staying still.

Loneliness, frustration, fear, anger, hopefulness, happiness. All these emotions were running through my body one after the other, constantly changing. You may wonder, is it possible to feel sad one second, be happy the next? Yeah, that happens to me. My mom can prove that. On one of our so-called mother-daughter serious-type talks, she points out that the strange and sometimes bad thing about me is that I always have mixed feelings. She says when I get mad, I maintain a calm disposition, and then completely switching to a chipper mood right after a few minutes. I asked her innocently, what’s wrong with that? She says when you’re mad, be mad. When you’re happy, be happy. That’s that.

But maybe I’m not like that. It is my goal in life to be as happy and optimistic as I can be. And maybe I try to stay away from negative feelings as much as I could.

And there you are on your knees
Begging for forgiveness begging for me
Just like I always wanted but I’m so sorry

It’s easy to talk about feelings of happiness, euphoria, excitement, embarrassment, sadness, and all these other things, because you recognize them right away. You know you’re feeling happy when you received the present you wanted for Christmas. You easily feel humiliated when you hastily trip over your own feet as you’re rushing to your next class. You undoubtedly have a sense of nostalgia when you visit your old high school after graduating there a few years ago. But there is this one kind of feeling that I can never seem to get right. The one feeling I somehow cannot prove well as compared to other feelings. The one emotion that I don’t know for sure whether I am feeling it or not.

‘Cause I’m not your princess this ain’t a fairytale
I’m gonna find someone somewhere who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rearview mirror disappearing now

Maybe I just don’t remember how it feels anymore. Gosh, I feel stupid saying this.

Or maybe, I am just denying the fact that I felt it once, but now it’s gone.

Love. Such a mysterious, wonderful, uncontrollable feeling. I wish someday I would wholeheartedly learn how to love, without any regrets, inhibitions, and conditions. I think only by then will I be worthy of being loved in return.

And it’s too late for you and your white horse
Its too late for you and your white horse
Catch me now

One thing I admire about Taylor, she knows the subject of this feeling all too well. New York Times even commends her as “one of pop’s finest songwriters, country’s foremost pragmatist and more in touch with her inner life than most adults.”

Inner life, we need to talk.


Realizations


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We can soar as high as we want to be.

Anita Roddick, founder of The Body Shop, also said: “Be special, be anything but mediocre.”

This wonderful wonderful, mesmerizing photo belongs to Rosie Hardy, not to me. She deserves all the credit. This is her photostream. It would be quite nice to see for yourself how talented and creative this young artist is.

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Everybody (well, for those who care a lot about academics and org work) has been going on about how next week is going to be Hell Week before Christmas. Yes, before our much-awaited Yuletide break, us students first need to undergo a series of papers, long exams, quizzes, and more sleepless nights. Not to mention I still (and I think many of us) have yet to buy presents for my friends, and I have one Sunday left for shopping! It is time for full-panic mode – whatever that means.

The last four (or less than that, given the amount of holidays and free cuts that have occurred) weeks have been a total pandemonium – in a very exhilarating way, such that I have been able to do so much. A lot of unexpected things have happened: some funny, some surprising, some awful, and some completely ridiculous.

I have lost my wallet in National Book Store, cut a class for the first time, almost lost my ID (which happened today), was 40 minutes late for English class (today), crammed a paper three hours before submission (happened yesterday), and bumped my shin on a metal rod sticking out of a pole in the tennis courts (yesterday), got two zeroes on two short quizzes, and totally forgot that I had a 3pm Filipino class one lazy Tuesday afternoon and instead spent a whole hour chatting with a friend, and then I went to class 3:30pm – 30 minutes late!

Yes, I am a klutz, as you can see very well. All that I have mentioned above happened in a span of two weeks.

But then, in spite of all that, I came to realize that good things always outnumber the bad. And I am quite thankful for both cases. If you haven’t felt hunger, you will never know the feeling of being full, and that is also the case with failures and successes, loneliness and euphoria, unfortunate events and serendipitous ones.

Amidst the series of crazy and stupid things that occurred to me the past few weeks, more amazing and wonderful things have happened in between. One time I lent my lanyard to my blockmate because he left his ID at home and needed something to cover-up from those looming security guards. As our classes ended for the day and he returned my lanyard to me as I offered to accompany him to his locker, he hugged me right then and there, saying that I helped him the whole day.